Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.