@KenJennings: Nice job, whoever chose the word "monosyllabic" for that.
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@simoncholland: A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
@LlamaInaTux: Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone's family photos backed up in the cloud.
@Jeffwni: Son: DAD! There's a mobster under my bed! Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster? Son: No [from under the bed] "Whatcha gonna do 'bout it big guy?"
@BoogTweets: *Rap battle* Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.