Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
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I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.