@KenJennings: Nice job, whoever chose the word "monosyllabic" for that.
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@KalvinMacleod: HER: tell me about yourself ME: I have a cat H: cute M: he likes music H: cool M: we’re in a band H: weird M: called Mewtallica H: ok bye
@onion_an: [coming home from cinema] Don't let that ninja film go to your head again. *roundhouse kicks the light switch on* "I won't"
@TonyWIVK: BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting. Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
@TheToddWilliams: [candy store] ME: I'd like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It's still in... CLERK: Don't ME: ...mint condition.