Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
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Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.