“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
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7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
😂😂😂
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.