“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
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The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are