Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
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my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you