Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
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Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Still my favorite headline of all time:
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it