Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
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I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.