Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that鈥檚 confidential
me: then how鈥檇 i hear about it
A lot of people don鈥檛 know this but Hotel sheets aren鈥檛 tucked in tight. It鈥檚 actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That鈥檚 gonna come back to haunt me.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
creepiest cooking vid i鈥檝e ever seen
Venn diagrams. You either love 鈥榚m or you hate 鈥榚m. Or you鈥檙e somewhere in the middle.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he鈥檚 pinching people
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 馃檪
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Her: MOM! C鈥橫ERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn鈥檛 press charges.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.