NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
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[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’