Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
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So creative 馃槀
Who called it baking and not making love
A timely reminder before St. Patrick鈥檚 Day. #PaddynotPatty
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
It鈥檚 always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend鈥檚 car.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren鈥檛 supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 馃槶
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you鈥檙e a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you鈥檙e a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you鈥檙e a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we鈥檙e good Jim
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can鈥檛 figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year