Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
You Might Also Like
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?