It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
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Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.