Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
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This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Did I do this right
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
This will never not be funny 😭