People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
You Might Also Like
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live