Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
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911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
#Thanos #MondayMood
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy