Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
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Cake!!
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I have obtained a hat
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside