I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
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When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem