@ComedicBust: Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.
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@Gooooats: *standing by the turntables at the club* Her: are you the dj? Me: wha?... Oh, no, I was hoping this was a crepe station
@alexjmann: You should marry the first person who can understand what you're saying while you brush your teeth.
@JohnLyonTweets: "Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?" I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.