The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Sending in my taxes
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”