What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
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*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad