Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
new shirt idea
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.