@jordan_stratton: Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I've ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@AtticusFinch79: [bakery] Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers! Me: Definitely not happy tears Him: What? Me: What?
@TheRealNickKay: Daddy Bear -"Someones been sleeping in my bed." Mummy Bear -"Wouldn't be the first time." Daddy Bear -"It's been 3 years Sue, let it go."
@sammyrhodes: Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.
@rockymomax: [having sex] HER: talk dirty to me ME: I've been wearing the same underwear for weeks HER: no, I mean- ME: I drink my own bath water