Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
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Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
mumsnet is amazing
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Any refunds available?…
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.