Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
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My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
How do you like your Corgi?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.