Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
You Might Also Like
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
me after drinking all the wine:
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal