Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
You Might Also Like
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Word!
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?