Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
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I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.