Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
You Might Also Like
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.