Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
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Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Yup.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.