Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
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“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em