Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
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Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Ironic
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player