Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
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You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.