Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
You Might Also Like
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I remember when things only cost an arm.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that