Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
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Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.