Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
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Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
wow he looks just like him
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper