[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
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My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Lmao the reply
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.