I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
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holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?