Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
You Might Also Like
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.