Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
wait.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.