Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
You Might Also Like
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
A great tip. #CakeRex
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.