Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
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SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”