nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
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BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
The pasta is now
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat