niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
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Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
sigh
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
They’re stuck in your pants?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
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My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”