niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
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[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I can’t wait!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words