Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
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Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
X-tra spooky blend
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
life finds a way
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom