Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.