Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.