*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
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Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Every BBC series about the universe.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.