Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
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I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
the noise i just made
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.