“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
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snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
My current situation
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Autocorrect is my menesis
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge