Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
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*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”